Standing Outside The Fire

"Have you ever felt like you're an outcast? Because I sure have. In fact, I am an outcast. I'm very "abnormal" when compared to other people my age. A majority of the people my age are enjoying their senior year of high school. I'm finishing up my "senior year" of college. The other majority of people my age are a freshmen in college. They're branching out, trying new things, finding out what it's like to finally be "in control" of their own life. They feel so big, so grown up, so mature. They're cool. They go to parties, they have a bunch of friends, they get drunk, smoke everything imaginable, go dancing, go to sports events, get jobs at grocery stores, restaurants, coffee shops, clothing stores, sub shops, etc. and complain about making minimum wage. They get into relationships. They give themselves to that person who they care so much about... then they get hurt. The relationship just turns into a dramatic nightmare, and they either wonder why they were so stupid and lost that person, or else they wonder why there were stupid enough to ever give their heart to that person in the first place. They make fools of themselves and get over it, just so they can start all over. Why? I don't know. Remember, I don't fit it. I had a taste of some of this during high school, and I knew it wasn't for me. Sure, I never got that perfect high school experience of dating the football star, being homecoming queen, etc. but I also got a lot more out of my time there than I would have if the "perfect experience" would have happened. Fitting in is not all it's cracked up to be. I finally got that point. After I had broken my heart and disappointed myself and my family enough times I decided that there was more to me than what I was allowing people to see. I came to the conclusion that I don't have to go to parties every weekend to fit in with all the "normal" people. I don't have to go get drunk and do something stupid that I'll regret to be cool. I am quite content to spend my Friday nights having pizza and watching Smallville with my family. I am perfectly happy to have a bowl of ice cream and watch That 70's Show alone at my house rather than go play beer pong at a friends house."


I began writing this post on October 1st, 2010, but I'm finishing it on October 16th. As I was writing this post, a good friend of mine sent me a text and asked if him and some of his friends could come over. He said that they'd been drinking, and checked to make sure that was okay with me. What I should have inferred from that was "Hey, we're drunk and need somewhere to hang out where we're not going to get in trouble." but I didn't. I said "Sure, come on over!" and I was excited to see him. I thought about the irony of the situation. There I was, writing about not partying, not getting drunk, not doing the "normal, popular" thing, and out of nowhere that situation falls into my lap. It was weird for me, to do the normal thing. I didn't really like the way it felt, and as much as I enjoyed giggling at my friend as he danced and sang and was silly, as much as I enjoyed his company, I didn't enjoy what was going on. It reaffirmed that I don't fit in.
I titled this post "Standing Outside The Fire" which is a song by Garth Brooks. It says,

"We call them cool
Those hearts that have no scars to show
The ones that never do let go
And risk the tables being turned


We call them fools
Who have to dance within the flame
Who chance the sorrow and the shame
That always come with getting burned


But you got to be tough when consumed by desire
'Cause it's not enough just to stand outside the fire

We call them strong
Those who can face this world alone
Who seem to get by on their own
Those who will never take the fall


We call them weak
Who are unable to resist
The slightest chance love might exist
And for that forsake it all


They're so hell bent on giving, walking a wire
Convinced it's not living if you stand outside the fire


Chorus:
Standing outside the fire
Standing outside the fire
Life is not tried it is merely survived
If you're standing outside the fire


There's this love that is burning
Deep in my soul
Constantly yearning to get out of control
Wanting to fly higher and higher
I can't abide standing outside the fire"

It's a bit cliché I suppose, but I can definitely relate parts of this song to my life, and the lives of those around me. I don't want to judge them, and I don't want to sound like I'm perfect. As I've clearly stated, I am without a doubt the furthest thing from perfect. (But that doesn't stop me from trying!) All I'm trying to do is let people know it's not all about fitting in, you don't have to be someone you're not just to feel satisfied. Please believe me, there are things that are SO much more satisfying out there. Give it a shot, and look for them. And please help me to look for them as well.